Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
