i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
