my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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