Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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