There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
