I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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