Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
