my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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