that's an acceptable place to lick
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
