The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
