I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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