did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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