On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Operation Purity has been aborted
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
