I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
