tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Panties = found
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
