So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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