i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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