I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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