Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
