No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
