I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i drank out of a bidet.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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