we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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