life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
