I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
