someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
