My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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