I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We are all done wearing pants today
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
