fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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