My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
