Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
