Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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