birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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