I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
