Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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