Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize