sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
