It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
