matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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