I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
