The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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