Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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