Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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