The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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