mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
