Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize