remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
