But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
