Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
