Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
