Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
A+ Viking dick
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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