I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize