I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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