Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
