I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
