I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize