So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
