There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
