I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
