I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
