Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Sacagawea was the original milf.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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