Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
