If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
