my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
