I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
