I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
