I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
