If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize