you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
