yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
