Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
