Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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