i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
