Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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