Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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