I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
