Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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