you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
