So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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